No, not that Ho Phase, ya filthy animals.

I mean Ho Phase🎄(pretend that’s a trademark symbol. Humor me).

December is a weird month. It gets dark in the middle of the afternoon, everything costs money money, and suddenly everyone you've ever met wants something from you before Christmas.

The expectations keep going out while most everyone's energy is running out.

If you're happy, December makes you sentimental. If you're stressed, it sends you down rabbit holes. And if you're grieving, all that forced holly-jolly bullshit can feel almost insulting.

Even when everything is technically fine, it's still just...off.

And if you’re simply trying to get through the month without anything important going to hell, well…may the odds be ever in your favor.

That's where I came up with Ho Phase. 🎄

It's a deliberate choice to participate in the holiday spirit just enough to keep yourself from chucking a nutcracker at your loved ones.

Think of it as turning up the radio so you can't hear whatever is making noises it absolutely shouldn’t be.

The problem still exists, but now...music.

December came in swinging at my house.

First, my check engine light came on. Then, The Balkan Storm’s car needed work. Once we that came back, the spare car an old 300,000 mile workhorse that has saved our asses more than once) entered hospice care.

Then Storm’s car needed more work. Because of course it did.

While all of that was happening, the family dog needed emergency surgery.

Add in the usual December pileup of bills, Christmas lists, groceries, and the daily to-dos that don’t stop just cause it’s snowing yet again, and yeah... it was a lot.

I’m not telling you all this just to whine (ok, maybe a little), but at some point you stop asking “Why is this happening to me?” and switch to “Alright, what now?”

My solution was Ho Phase. 🎄

It came to me in the shower while I was laughing about a conversation involving the actual ' hoe phase,' when it struck me how perfectly that described my December.

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas! I have no idea how I'm making it to the 25th!

Once I started treating it like an inside joke, things became a bit easier to tolerate. Ho Phase🎄means doing the bare minimum needed to stay festive-ish without losing your will to live.

It's eating the Christmas cookies before dinner, or saying "I'm in my Ho Phase right now," just to see how people react.

But please use discretion. Your boss, kids, and mother-in-law do not need that level of transparency.

You know who's been in Ho Phase🎄forever?

Mothers.
We are the executive producers of family holidays.

The EP's make the magic possible. She keeps the production running and handles the disasters long before anyone even notices.

Same with Christmas.

Most cherished memories don't just happen. Someone planned them, cleaned for them, shopped for them, wrapped them, cooked them, scheduled them, and emotionally managed everyone involved.

That somebody is usually a woman.

We’re the showrunners, continuity editors, wardrobe department, craft services, and cleanup crew.

We do it because we want to create something special and meaningful. We also want to feel included in the magic we're making for everyone else.

Every tree, stocking, meal, and way-overpriced set of matching pajamas that makes Christmas morning look effortless exists because somebody worked her ass off.

And far too many of those women wake up to empty stockings.

Oh yeah, we’re going there.

In too many homes, the person who engineered the entire holiday gets overlooked on the actual day. Everyone else enjoys the magic while she stares at a flat stocking and hides her disappointment so she doesn't ruin Christmas for the kids.

I lived through more of those Christmases than I should have. That's how I know it can be different. Not perfect, just different in a way that matters.

I married proof of concept.

The Balkan Storm is as traditionally masculine as they come, but when something needs to be done, he does it. This year, he handled the decorating.

I didn’t ask him to, didn’t even hint at it. He just saw what needed to be done and did it. Respect. Unfortunately, still a radical concept.

The bar has been slowly lowered by years of ‘tradition’ and the bigotry of low expectations, but it can be raised.

And to be very clear, this isn't about getting expensive gifts.

Growing up, my family wasn’t rich by any stretch, but we always had piles of things to open at Grandma’s and Great-Grandma’s house. Dollar-store trinkets, tiny cans of potato sticks or French fried onions - everything got gift-wrapped.

And we loved it.  Kids don’t care about prices; they want to participate.

Adults aren't much different.

A favorite candy bar, fresh Chapstick, a decent pen, travel-sized anything, maybe a scratch-off ticket with the faint possibility of early retirement will do nicely.

Personally, I would be delighted with a couple bags of SkinnyDipped peanut butter cups this year.

Hint. Hint.

And if you’ve been filling your own stocking for years because it’s “easier”, it’s even easier to stop filling the stockings for adults who can't be bothered to return the favor.

Just something to consider.

More than anything, Ho Phase🎄is finding a way to keep some joy for yourself after spending so much time creating it for everyone else.

So eat the cookie, say the weird thing, or duck one more obligation. And if someone you love forgets your stocking again this year, enjoy their candy.

Protect your joy, and for the love of all things festive, protect the inside jokes.

December is hard enough without having to explain to HR why you announced you were "deep in your Ho Phase🎄" at the office holiday party.

Learn from my mistakes.

And I make a lot of them. Makes for good content, at least.

Subscribe

Heather Papovich is the voice behind Unfinished Business. She's seen some things. She'll tell you about them.